How to Get to Know Someone Over Time

Getting to know someone for real takes shared time, honest back-and-forth and a clear look at how they move when life gets messy. Chemistry can make three great conversations with the person you text every night feel like months of history.

Play the long game here, from the first chat to the six-month mark: what to share, what to watch, when to bring up faith and family goals, and what to do when the picture stops adding up.

How do you get to know someone?

You get to know someone by spending real time with them in different settings, taking turns opening up, listening closely and checking whether their actions match their words. Facts about a person come fast. Learning how they handle stress, disappointment and ordinary days takes weeks and months of attention.

Here’s the process in six practical steps:

1. Take turns sharing, so neither of you does all the talking.
2. Listen for the story behind the answers, then follow up on it later.
3. Move from the chat to real life once the conversation flows.
4. Spend time together in more than one kind of setting.
5. Watch for consistency between what they say and what they do.
6. Bring up values and non-negotiables early, without turning dates into interviews.

Take turns opening up

Closeness grows when both people share, a little at a time and in turns. In a 2013 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, pairs who took turns disclosing reported more liking, closeness, perceived similarity and enjoyment than pairs where one person disclosed while the other only listened [1].

A 1994 review in Psychological Bulletin describes a loop worth knowing about: people who share more intimate details tend to be liked more, people open up more to those they already like, and people come to like the ones they’ve opened up to [2]. When you share something real, you give the other person room to do the same.

How do you do it without oversharing? Match their depth, then add one layer. If they mention they’re close with their grandmother, you might say, “My grandma basically raised me on Sundays. What’s your favorite memory with yours?” You gave something, then handed the conversation back. Save the heaviest stories for later, once trust is there.

Listen for the story behind the answers

You learn the most when you hear what sits under someone’s answers. Ask one follow-up question before you jump to your own story. When they say work was “a lot” this week, what “a lot” means to them tells you more than their job title.

Avoid rapid-fire questions, because filling every gap with another one turns a date into a quiz. Put the phone face down, keep eye contact and let pauses happen. A little awkward silence is normal early on.

Then use what you heard. Plan dates around their interests, like the brunch spot they keep mentioning or the comedy show they wanted to see. Remembering details shows you were paying attention, and it gives them a reason to keep opening up.

Move from the chat to real life

Messaging is a good start, but you’ll learn much more about someone face to face than through weeks of texting. Chat long enough to feel a connection and confirm they are who they say they are. Then suggest a phone or video call, and after that, a meetup.

Keep texting balanced early on. Too much messaging too soon can build an image of someone that real life won’t match, and tone gets lost over text. When the energy is there, make a clear plan: “I’ve liked talking to you. Want to grab coffee Saturday around noon?”

Protect yourself on first meetups while you’re still learning who this person is:

• Meet in a public place and get there on your own.
• Tell a friend where you’ll be and when you expect to be home.
• Check that their social profiles line up with what they’ve told you.
• Trust your gut and leave if something feels off.
• Keep money and sensitive personal details private until trust is earned.

Spend time together in different settings

Shared time in varied settings shows you sides of a person that a string of dinner dates won’t. Research on friendship gives a sense of scale: communication researcher Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas found it takes roughly 40 to 60 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 80 to 100 hours to become friends and more than 200 hours to become close friends [3].

How you spend those hours matters too. In Hall’s research, catching up, joking around and meaningful conversations helped people get closer, while small talk did not [4]. As Hall put it, “We have to put that time in. You can’t snap your fingers and make a friend.” [3] Dating isn’t friendship, but the lesson carries over.

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Those who take their time generally end up with better relationships, less chaos, more love to share, and a stronger commitment. [5]

Barton Goldsmith, PhD, LMFT, writing in Psychology Today

Try different types of dates:

• Cook a meal together and see how they react when the recipe goes sideways.
• Take a day trip, where a long drive and small hiccups show how they travel.
• Run errands or keep it low-key on a weekend afternoon.
• Go to a group event, like a BLK IRL event, and notice how they move in a room full of people.
• Try something new to both of you, like a dance class or a pottery session.

Meet their people

Meeting their friends and family shows you how they show up in the relationships that already matter to them. Notice how they talk about the people closest to them, whether they keep promises to friends and how their circle treats them. When you’re ready, bringing them around your own people gives you a trusted outside view too.

See an ordinary day

Big dates are fun, but ordinary days reveal more. How do they act when they’re tired, running late or stuck in traffic? What do they reach for when they finally relax: music, a game, a call to their mom, quiet time? Those small moments preview what everyday life together could look like.

Watch whether their actions match their words

Consistent actions over time tell you who someone is better than anything they say on a first date. Anyone can present a polished version of themselves for a few weeks.

Look for patterns over weeks. Stress and fatigue make a front hard to keep up, so behavior that holds steady across different situations says more than one great night [6].

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Emotions are situational and can change rapidly, whereas character is a more stable and enduring aspect of a person. [6]

Dr. Abbie Maroño, PhD in psychology

Pay attention to these moments:

• How they treat people who can’t do anything for them, like servers, drivers and cashiers.
• How they react when plans change at the last minute.
• How they handle a disagreement: do they listen, or do they need to win?
• Whether they own their mistakes or shift the blame.
• Whether they follow through on small promises, like calling when they said they would.

When should you bring up values and non-negotiables?

Bring up your non-negotiables early, within the first few dates, in a relaxed way rather than as a checklist. Our community is already doing this: BLK’s 2026 Dating Trends Report, based on a survey of more than 4,000 users, found that nearly half of Black Gen Z singles raise their non-negotiables within the first few dates.

The same report found that Black Gen Z singles put real weight on shared faith and values. Faith and how it’s practiced, family goals, money habits and politics can all be dealbreakers, so it helps to learn where someone stands before you’re deeply invested.

Share your own answer first, then open the door. A few ways to phrase it:

• “Faith is a big part of my life. Where do you stand on that?”
• “I’m dating with marriage and kids in mind down the road. What are you looking for?”
• “I’m pretty intentional with money right now. How do you think about saving versus spending?”

Go deeper as trust builds. Early dates tell you where someone stands. The months after show you whether they live it.

What if what you learn doesn’t add up?

If their words and actions clash, slow down, name what you’ve noticed and pay attention to how they respond. One mismatch isn’t automatically a dealbreaker, but how someone reacts when you ask about it tells you plenty.

Watch for these warning signs: big declarations of love before they really know you, pressure to commit or move fast, stories that keep changing and hot-and-cold communication. One pattern now has a name: ghostlighting, which means ghosting someone and then gaslighting them about it. In our 2026 report, Black Gen Z singles said they are actively naming it and setting boundaries around it.

You can address it directly: “Last week you said you’d call, and I didn’t hear from you for four days. What happened?” A respectful answer and real change are good signs. Defensiveness, blame or a repeat of the same behavior tells you what you need to know, and walking away now is easier than walking away a year from now.

How long does it take to get to know someone?

Getting to know someone well usually takes months, and seeing how they handle different seasons of life can take a year or more. There’s no fixed timeline, since it depends on how often you see each other and how open you both are.

Keep your bonds in balance, a principle from the Relationship Attachment Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp. The model names five bonds: know, trust, rely, commit and touch. The idea is to never rely on, commit to or get physical with someone beyond what you know about them and trust in them [7].

Want to meet someone who gets your world from day one? Join the BLK community to connect with Black singles on the app and at BLK IRL events, where getting to know someone can start in real life.