What Is the Talking Stage and How Long Should It Last?

You matched, the texts are flowing, and a good morning message is waiting for you most days. Nobody has put a name on it yet. You’re in the talking stage, and whether it turns into something real depends on how long you let it run and what you talk about while you’re in it. Here’s what the talking stage means, how long it should last, and how to move it forward without losing yourself in the wait.

What is the talking stage?

The talking stage is the period before officially dating, when two people with mutual interest text, call, and go out to figure out whether they want a relationship. Nobody has made a commitment yet, and nobody has agreed to be exclusive. You’re getting to know each other and testing the connection.

The Conversation places it between meeting someone and officially dating, and notes it can involve talking or texting for days or even months [1]. Psychologist Mark Travers, writing about a 2024 study led by Scott Sibley in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, calls it “an intentional non-label” and points out that people can have several talking stages going with different people at once [2].

Most people see it as a path somewhere. In Sibley’s research with 655 emerging adults, 60.9% described “just talking” as a step toward a committed relationship, and only 21.5% agreed that it involves casual sex [3].

How long should the talking stage last?

We’d aim for a talking stage of a few weeks to three months. No study has set an official length, so treat that range as a gut check. Movement matters more than the calendar: are you getting closer to meeting, knowing each other, and naming what this is?

If you met online and live in the same area, here’s how we’d pace it. Use it as a loose checkpoint guide and adjust it to your life.

When a longer talking stage makes sense

Some situations stretch the timeline for good reasons. Long distance, demanding work or school schedules, and a preference for slower, faith-led courtship can all call for more time. A slow talking stage still moves, though: you’re scheduling calls, planning visits, and learning something new about each other along the way.

Talking stage vs situationship vs dating

The talking stage is meant to lead to clarity, while a situationship keeps going without a label or a plan. Dating starts once you’ve both said you’re giving this a real shot. Here’s how the three compare.

A talking stage can slide into a situationship without anyone deciding it should, which is why the clarity conversation matters. The Conversation notes that being in a committed romantic relationship lowers the incidence of mental health issues compared with ambiguous or casual engagements [1].

Why people stay in the talking stage

People stay in the talking stage because ambiguity can feel safer than commitment. Sibley’s research names four reasons [3]:

• Keeping options open: without a label, you can keep talking to other people.
• Protection from rejection: if it was “just talking,” the ending stings less.
• Testing the waters: frequent texting lets you check the vibe before you invest more.
• Avoiding defining the relationship: some people get part of the closeness without the effort a committed relationship takes [2].

Travers describes the emotional push and pull as a space that is “both liberating and frustrating, full of potential yet undefined” [2]. Kayla Knopp, who studied commitment at the University of Denver, told Refinery29 that people enjoy ambiguity “because it feels safer,” but that “it’s always better to know” [4].

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If you are hoping for commitment from a romantic partner, don’t wait too long before defining the relationship. [3]

D. Scott Sibley, Ph.D., LMFT, CFLE, Associate Professor, Northern Illinois University

Signs the talking stage is going well

A talking stage is going well when the effort is mutual and growing. You don’t have to decode every text. Look at the pattern instead.

• You both start conversations.
• Plans are specific: a day, a time, a place.
• Conversations go deeper over time, from favorite shows to family, faith, and goals.
• They follow through on what they say they’ll do.
• You feel calm and clear more often than anxious.

Red flags that it’s stalling

The biggest warning sign is a connection that stays on text while plans stay vague. Watch for these too:

• You’re always the one reaching out.
• Replies shrink to one-word answers, and they’re active online while your messages sit unread.
• Plans get canceled with weak excuses and never rescheduled.
• They dodge any question about what you are.
• They go quiet for days, then pop back up like nothing happened.

Dating coach Chelli Pumphrey told YourTango that “emotionally unavailable people are skilled at giving you just enough to keep you interested” [5]. If that sounds familiar, trust the pattern over the promises.

Talk values early, even in the talking stage

The talking stage is the right time to talk values, and there’s no reason to save that conversation for month six. Our own 2026 Dating Trends Report, based on a survey of more than 4,000 BLK users, found that Black Gen Z singles are dating with clear intention: they raise non-negotiables early, nearly half within the first few dates, and they put real weight on shared faith and values.

You can weave values into real conversation once there’s a little comfort between you, usually by the second or third date or a few weeks into steady talking. Try openers like these:

• Faith: “My faith is a big part of my life. What role does faith or spirituality play in yours?”
• Family: “I see myself with kids one day. Where are you on that?”
• Money: “I’m saving for a house right now. What are you building toward?”
• Intentions: “I’m dating to find a relationship. What are you looking for right now?”

How to move past the talking stage

To move past the talking stage, meet in person and ask directly where things are headed. Here’s how to get there.

1. Suggest a real plan. Name a day, time, and place instead of “we should hang out sometime.”
2. Check the effort. Notice whether they match your energy with plans and follow-through.
3. Pick a calm moment. The Knot suggests having the conversation when you’re both calm, sober, and not exhausted, and in person when possible [6].
4. Lead with “I” statements. Try: “I really like where this is going, and I’d like us to be exclusive. How do you feel about that?”
5. Listen to the answer, then watch what they do next.

If they need time to think, agree on a clear window and check back. When “I don’t know” drags on with no change, you have your answer.

What if the talking stage fizzles or they ghost?

If it fizzles, close the loop with respect and move on without blaming yourself. Plenty of talking stages end, and The Conversation lists accepting that a talking stage may not become a relationship as one way to make the talking stage better [1].

A clean exit can be one text: “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m looking for something different. I wish you the best.” You don’t owe anyone a debate about your decision.

Ghostlighting, when someone ghosts you and then gaslights you about it, is the harder case. The Black Gen Z singles in our 2026 report are setting boundaries around ghostlighting, and you can too: if someone vanishes and comes back rewriting what happened, you decide whether they get another conversation.

Ready to talk with people who want what you want? On BLK, you’re meeting Black singles who share your culture, and BLK IRL events give you a way to take the talking stage offline.